My wife is about to leave when she smiles and says, “It might be time for a haircut. How long has it been?”
I think. “About two months. I planned to do it in a few weeks.”
She raises an eyebrow. “WEEKS? Why do you always put it off? Can’t you just go tomorrow?”
I really hate going to the barber. It’s not the money or time, it’s the small talk. The endless chatter. So draining.
My wife looks surprised. “Have you ever asked him to stay quiet?”
“Of course not! What am I, a barbarian? It’s like when you didn’t tell your manager yesterday how much you hate it when he calls you all day instead of just sending messages. It’s. 'Good manners' means suffering in silence.”
And it hit me: We often assume others are fine with things without ever asking. We suffer through stuff we hate to avoid awkwardness. Maybe just ask? (Duh.)
Most engineers won’t tell you they hate daily standups or your annoying team-building games. They'll just suffer in silence - and get frustrated.
So, 6 assumptions most engineering managers make (I fell for all of them):
Every engineer wants more ownership
Always praise in public
Remote engineers need a standup meeting every day
Every engineer wants to be better at public speaking
Weekly 1:1 are important to your engineers
Engineers want to be part of the roadmap discussions
1. Every engineer wants more ownership
A few years ago, I managed an amazing senior engineer, and I kept pushing her to take on bigger projects and more responsibility.
She managed it well, and didn’t say anything, until one day I asked her: “So where do you want to focus next?”.
And she told me: “Honestly? I just want to focus on my family right now. I have 2 small toddlers at home, and I don’t need all that stress at work. I would appreciate just staying at the same scope for now”.
I was so focused on what I thought was good for her, I never stopped to ask. Oh shit. So much stress I caused for no good reason!
2. Always “Praise in public”
This is super common advice: “Criticize in private, praise in public”. While I believe nobody wants to be criticized in public, some engineers also don’t want to be praised in public. It just makes them feel uncomfortable.
I learned this the hard way, after pushing hard to nominate an engineer for a recognition program. When she heard about it, she said: “I would have just preferred a raise next time”.
Yep, that makes sense.
3. Engineers need a standup meeting every day when working remotely
To keep the human connection, and so on. Also a common “best practice”.
Well, some engineers do, and some don’t. And the thing is that it doesn’t have to be the same for everyone. If a junior engineer who just joined likes those meetings because he feels more comfortable when people offer help in the meeting (instead of needing to ask) - great, keep that meeting. You can just make it optional for people who tell you they don’t like it.
4. Every engineer wants to be better at public speaking skills
75% of the population hates public speaking, so it’s a very ‘easy’ area to focus on when thinking about where an engineer can improve.
Many managers ‘force’ it, and find opportunities for engineers to present to others, to ‘get a chance to practice’.
Sure - some will like it. But ASK first. Don’t assume.
5. Weekly 1:1s are important to every engineer
I’m a very strong believer in 1:1 meetings. I never cancel them, and I try hard to follow up on anything raised in them.
Well, what if people didn’t like to have that meeting with me every week? What if they preferred another cadence? This is an assumption I only thought about while writing the article!
6. Engineers want to be part of roadmap discussions.
As an engineer, I really liked to be part of any product-related discussion, to better understand what was going on. I hated being an ‘order-taker’.
So, as a manager, I tried hard to make sure my people have all the context, and are involved in any point where I’m involved.
But who said they actually want it? Some engineers are ok with getting well-defined work and executing on it, and don’t like the distractions.
Final words
As managers, it’s easy to assume we know best. Even if you THINK you know your people well and are SURE you know what they prefer, just ask.
Or become a blabbering barber.
If you’re an ambitious EM with 2–5+ years of experience, check out my upcoming Engineering Management Operating System course:
What I enjoyed reading this week
Learning to Delegate Responsibly - with some great personal stories(!) by . A great writer I recently found here, check her out!
The Precise Language Of Good Management by . A bunch of great examples where people use vague language when they shouldn’t.
15 Startup Laws that every founder must know by . A great take on my surprisingly viral article, with a startup twist.
Nailing the basics: How to collaborate cross-functionally - another masterpiece by .
