When I was a developer, I really didn’t like one of the engineers on my team. Just couldn’t stand him. But that actually didn’t matter that much - I had 2 friends I enjoyed working with, and that was enough.
After I first became a manager, I was suddenly responsible for people. I started to have 1:1s with everyone, and spend much more time just talking with every teammate.
I realized that working with my previous friends was easier for me. I felt drained after 1:1s with people I didn’t like. I pushed less hard for their promotions and pay raises and hoped they would leave.
When I had the chance to bring new people to the team, I tried hard to hire for a ‘cultural fit’. You may call it ‘the beer test’ or ‘teamwork’, but actually I was just filtering for people I personally liked.
After a few years, and some conversations with my manager, I decided to try a different approach.
Today, in a guest post by , the author of newsletter, we are going to share:
Personal stories from working with people we didn’t like
Why you should care about it
What can you do about it
Check out Rafa’s newsletter for other great engineering leadership articles!
Managing people we didn’t like
Anton’s story
My first hire after deciding to try the new approach was a Senior Software Engineer.
Have you ever been in an interview where you knew within the first few minutes it wasn't going to work out? Something in the energy, and the vibe?
Well, I was sitting in one such interview. The engineer just seemed a bit weird and wasn’t good at small talk. As the interview progressed, I was surprised that he actually seemed to meet the criteria of what I was looking for. I had a team of 4 juniors at that stage, and my Senior engineer went on a long maternity leave. I needed a strong and independent developer who could just execute hard tasks. He passed the technical part with flying colors, and I was quite sure he knew how to deal with difficult things by himself.
He definitely didn’t pass the beer test, but he passed my interview. He passed my manager too, but the HR team told me they are not sure if he’ll fit. I think they used the same criteria - he was just not a very likable person. At this stage, I felt that my biases were really not fair, and I insisted on hiring him, which we did.
And you know what? Both my instincts and my decision were right. That person was independent and strong, and most people got along ok with him. Personally, I didn’t enjoy working with him - our 1:1s felt forced, and we had frequent clashes.
Still, I believe it was the right decision. He was the first developer who actually challenged my decisions, and pushed for a different agenda. I respected his technical skills, and that friction between us made the whole team better.
Rafa’s story
It’s not a secret that I prefer to work with kind and easygoing people, much like myself. A few years ago, I got to work with an engineer who was the opposite: blunt, unfriendly, and hard to connect with. Talking to him felt like hitting a wall.
Our 1:1 conversations were tough, and giving him constructive feedback was even harder. I had to be extremely precise with my language, provide specific examples, and avoid mistakes. If I slipped, he’d fire back without hesitation. This forced me to plan, write feedback down, and communicate clearly and concisely.
Initially, I labeled him as a bad “culture fit,” but he was undeniably skilled and delivering results. That’s when I had to pause and reflect. What if my reaction wasn’t about his abilities or behavior but about my own biases? The person came from a different culture. They communicated differently and had a different approach to work. However, they were making valuable contributions to the team.
My role wasn’t to seek comfort by surrounding myself with people like me. My job was to create an environment where different strengths, perspectives, and styles could thrive. And that’s what I did, forcing myself to adapt.
Fast forward a few years, I can now say that by managing him, I learned a lot. That experience taught me to embrace different cultures and to focus on respect, results, and collaboration, not personal preferences.
Learning to work with people you don’t naturally connect with isn’t just a managerial skill; it’s a life skill. And it’s one that can transform you into a better leader and a better human being.
Why you should care about it
It’s hard to accept that our intuition is wrong and that we should hire people we don’t like. This article shares the main problems with ‘the beer test’ criteria:
We naturally favor people like us, leading to less diverse teams and less qualified candidates. Research shows diverse teams are actually more productive and happier. The “beer test” can exclude people based on gender, culture, or family obligations.
You wouldn’t hire a drinking buddy to fix your plumbing - you’d hire a plumber.
If you are a 30-year-old single male, you might discount a 50-year-old mother of 3 because she is so different from the people you are used to working with.
Another way to look at this is using ‘Comparative Advantage’. For example, if all your engineers are eager to work on the most innovative project, no one will be willing to do the ‘dirty’ work. Or if everyone is very senior and just wants to stick to what they know, you will have little innovation. Same if you are cautious and want to work only with cautious people, or a risk-taker and hire only high-risk tolerant people.
In ‘The Personal MBA’, Josh Kaufman explained it like this:
Comparative Advantage, from economist David Ricardo, shows that it’s better to focus on strengths rather than trying to do everything yourself. Using Portugal and England as examples, Ricardo demonstrated that even if both could make cloth and wine, England was more efficient at cloth, while Portugal excelled at wine. By specializing and trading, both benefited.
This idea applies to management - teams thrive when members have diverse skills. A varied team increases the chance that someone knows how to handle any situation, while a homogenous team is more likely to get stuck or make mistakes.
So what can you do about it
When managing someone you don’t click with, start by examining your own biases. Often, the issue isn’t the person but your discomfort with differences, which can actually strengthen your team.
Here are 5 steps we suggest taking in such cases:
Examine your biases: reflect on your initial reactions and consider how your personal biases might be affecting your view. Why don’t you like that person? What exactly ticks you off?
Focus on strengths: think about the unique contributions that this team member brings, instead of focusing on the weaknesses.
Plan your conversations: Communication is not effortless with people you don’t get along easily with. Very often, you mean one thing, and they understand another. Instead of ‘going with your gut,’ write down your thoughts and include clear examples to make your feedback direct and understandable.
Ask for feedback: A great way to disarm conflict is to be very open to feedback. It can be about the day-to-day (“What do you think I should do differently?”), but it can also be about the communication itself. After difficult discussions, ask how your message was received and what you can do to improve it.
Adapt your approach: be flexible; understand that what works for one person might not work for another. Recognize that differences in culture, communication, and style can enhance your team.
Final words
The most critical step is the first one - to stop and think about your biases, instead of blindly following ‘your gut’.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
For further reading on the topic:
How I Lost My Manager’s Trust—and Earned It Back by Rafa. Building trust with people you don’t click with is even more important for managers.
"Cultural-Fit" Can Harm Your Team by Mirek
How To Handle A High Performer Who Is Terrible to Work With by Dave Kline
What I enjoyed reading this week:
On having ‘specialists’ in your company (Caterpillar to Butterfly) by . If you are not yet familiar with Kent’s blog - definitely worth checking it out.
Long Questions/Short Answers by . This one really made me stop and think.
How to Land $100k+ Fully-Remote Dev Jobs in Europe by . While his newsletter is called “”, I think it’s relevant for everyone - the theme is how to maximize your income without sacrificing your life.
