--- type: "article" title: "Staying Calm When You Want to Disappear" newsletter: "manager.dev" newsletter_handle: "managerdev" newsletter_url: "https://usecommune.com/n/managerdev" author: "Anton Zaides (@antonz23)" published: "2024-11-19T07:01:48.000Z" canonical_url: "https://usecommune.com/n/managerdev/a/staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear" markdown_url: "https://usecommune.com/n/managerdev/a/staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear.md" chat_url: "https://usecommune.com/n/managerdev/a/staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear/chat" source_url: "https://newsletter.manager.dev/p/staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear" body_source: "imported" likes: 0 replies: 0 body_words: 1046 --- # Staying Calm When You Want to Disappear Have you ever felt attacked by a question? Someone in authority demanding answers, or an engineer challenging your decisions? What did you do after that? Blabber defensive words? Attach back? Make a decision prematurely? When I feel scared in such situations, I use the **BAA** framework, which has helped me resist the pressure over the years. Today I’m going to cover 3 real situations to help you understand how the framework works. The first time I encountered each I messed up badly - instead of **B**reath, **A**ssess, and **A**ct I followed Act, Assess, and Regret… :) *** *Today’s article is a guest post by**, Staff Engineer at Meta and the writer of**, where he shares stories from his successful Big Tech career!* *** ## 😳 1. A Grilling Leadership Review Picture this: *You're presenting to leadership, feeling confident. Suddenly, a VP interrogates you with an unexpected question:* “Why aren’t you building Feature X? Why are you focused on Feature Y?”. A long time back, everyone had agreed that Feature X wasn’t necessary. So, this question stumps you. *Gulp.* 😳 It's natural to feel your heart racing and palms sweating. You weren’t ready for this from someone with authority. **You feel fear because** 1. You don’t want to give a ‘less than ideal’ answer to your VP 2. You wonder if you missed a memo about Feature X 3. You fear saying “NO” to your VP. **What you shouldn’t do** 1. Start blabbering and giving non-answers. 2. Make promises (without thinking over) that you will work on Feature X. ### What you should do #### **Breath** Take a deep breath and let the feeling pass. *For a moment, forget it’s a person with a big title!* #### **Assess** Ask yourself - - Do you **understand the question and the intent**? - Is there a baked-in assumption in the question that does not align with yours? - For example, you assume Feature X is not prioritized, but your VP may have a different assumption. - Do you **hesitate to give a direct response**? If so, ask why. - Do you assume the answer may make them unhappy? #### **Act** Don’t let their tone scare you or let your hesitation overpower your response. In this case, you want to start with a clear answer and share your justification. The justification may be as simple as, “Feature X was deemed unnecessary in the **previous review,** and Feature Y adds the **most value** based on the **user study**”. You **should add**, “Do you believe we should consider Feature X again?” This way, you can let them chime in if they have new data points. The more you practice, the more comfortable you get. *VPs appreciate that!* ## 😱 2. Crazy Outage *Your phone's buzzing like crazy. There's a major outage, and your team can't find the root cause.*😱 A bunch of super senior engineers and managers are waiting for you to fix it! These high expectations in an unknown situation can scare you into - trying random fixes and potentially making things worse. **You feel the fear** because you think: 1. You are the team leader, so you are “supposed” to have the answers! 2. If you don’t fix the problem, those super-senior engineers may think you know nothing. *So, everyone will know you are an imposter!* Acting rashly will surely hamper your reputation. So, take a moment. ### What you should do #### **Breath** Take a deep breath and spend a minute understanding the symptoms. Let people know you need a minute to gather context. If someone is being pushy, let them know you will respond soon. #### **Assess** Make a mental note of things you understand vs not. Specifically, - Do you understand the symptoms and the impact? - Do you understand the trigger? - Do you understand potential issues that have been ruled out or the potential theories? #### **Act** This may be a complex outage with an unclear root cause. **Clearly communicate** what you know vs. what you don't. **Share the potential theories** you and your team will validate. If you need help from a specific team, then ask for it. *Engineers from other teams want to help, but you must ask for it.* **Share regular updates** so that they are not left guessing. Even if it’ll distract you for 5 crucial minutes, those updates are **critical**, and will give you breathing room to work in quiet. ## 🧐 3. Unexpected Critical Feedback *You’ve just wrapped up a project, and expect praise for your leadership. Instead, you hear,****"You didn’t communicate well during the project."****Suddenly, your confidence takes a hit.*😳 **You feel fear because** 1. You thought you did well, and now doubt creeps in. 2. You’re worried this might impact your promotion. **What you should not do** 1. Reject the feedback right away 2. Accept it without understanding the specifics ### What you should do #### **Breath** Listening to critical feedback is never easy, especially when it comes as a surprise. So, take a moment. #### **Assess** Ask yourself - - Do you know if the feedback is true? - Do you understand the specific instance that this feedback refers to? - Do you feel uncomfortable talking about this now? #### **Act** Respond with something like, “Oh! This is a surprise, but I want to understand the specifics. ” If the feedback was **raised during a meeting with multiple people**, you can also add: “Can I schedule a quick 1:1 with you later today?”. This signals to the feedback giver that you are listening and relaxes them. It also gives you more time to reflect on it! *** Anton here - thanks for a great article and a very useful framework! Those 10 seconds of stopping and breathing can do wonders. Without knowing it, I was using the same framework for years. I even wrote about one such stressful experience: For more articles by Raviraj, check out his newsletter: ## What I enjoyed reading this week 1. [AI companies hit a scaling wall](https://www.platformer.news/openai-google-scaling-laws-anthropic-ai?utm_source=newsletter.manager.dev&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear) by Casey Newton 2. [Why Developers Need to Build Their Own IKEA Furniture](https://newsletter.productdriven.com/p/why-developers-need-to-build-their-own-ikea-furniture?utm_source=newsletter.manager.dev&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear) by Matt Watson 3. [Product manager is an unfair role. So work unfairly](https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/product-manager-is-an-unfair-role?utm_source=newsletter.manager.dev&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=staying-calm-when-you-want-to-disappear) by Tal Raviv in . This one is 100% relevant for engineering managers too! *** [Powered by beehiiv](https://www.beehiiv.com/?utm_campaign=294c0381-b152-4e19-a6c2-e5e1f878e54c&utm_medium=post_rss&utm_source=manager_dev) *** ## Discussion No replies yet.