Finding a friend that you like is akin to sourcing an Italian white Alba truffle - seasonal and requires specific growing conditions and a good deal of luck.
Never did I have one best friend. There are the enduring friendships of my childhood. These feel easy, comforting and a real gift.
Being someone who thrives on depth, the surface level work required to get to this level of friendship can be challenging.
This week I had a lovely surprise. During my Sunday morning swim, I got to talking with another woman. We exchanged numbers. She seems cool. Today we met for a swim and a coffee on the beach. There was depth. Big life issues to be discussed being women of a certain age. This felt easy unlike attempts on Bumble (the dating app).
Bumble had s a BFF dating function. As with dating, we performed the “getting to you know” mundane conversations. It felt contrived (because it is) and unnatural (because it is). It feels like a performance rather than a natural bump like with my new friend this morning.
In my ongoing endeavor to make new friends in Brighton I have tried many different things. The local book club seemed like a great candidate. Devoured Edith's Diary - Patricia Highsmith and was excited to share it with a room full of nerds. I was the only one who LOVED it.
The evening of book club comes around and the horror of leaving the flat and engaging with a room full of strangers fills me with dread.
What if all the air leaves the room?
What if they tell me they believe they were anally probed by aliens?
What if they are convinced that a screen emits “bioactive energy fields” which generate life enhancing energy scalar waves that have cured their thyroid issues and night time toilet trips? This was one such exchange at a birthday lunch. Living as I do in Brighton makes for colourful interactions.
Many group events are challenging. Groups don’t nourish me like I need. Discussions are kept at a surface level and well I have a whole bunch of that in my neighborhood.
We live in a time of hyper individualism. An individual's autonomy and freedom trumps collective welfare and group cohesion. Is it any wonder there is a loneliness epidemic and fraying social fabric in the UK. We would be wise to take some proactive and corrective measures to maintain and build support networks. Solitude to me is as comfortable as a warm woolly cardigan on a cold day yet I find myself desiring connection.
Guilty as charged with guarding my autonomy and leaning into my self-reliance.
Every single January when I reflect on my year, I note down connections yet I can’t seem to be bothered. What is it that I am seeking?
How can I find more joy in the process?
My fear of abandonment and rejection is something that stops me I suspect.
We are made for community and to be connected to others. Communities of the past were based on geography, family ties, workplace and religion. My parents are beneficiaries of this style of community. Random baskets of bread and scones are left on the kitchen table for my Dad following Mums death. Neighbours offering help and companionship where they can. There is great comfort in knowing that my Dad is surrounded by a tight knit community.
Good neighbours are better than family, my Dear Mother would say.
These days we build new communities around shared interests and identities such as common goals and aligned values. This feels like a shift in human organisation.
We are involved in communities for writing, fitness, book clubs, running clubs, coliving spaces, coworking spaces or community events driven by large brands.
If we don’t like the values or personalities of one community then we are free to leave. Are these echo chamber communities? Will they make us less tolerant?
It does feel that the secret to future friendships is finding purposeful tribes that help with making progress towards goals but this becomes something to exchange other than the warmth of friendship.
As I ponder the intricacies of friendships and finding connection in the chaos of social schedules, at least I can always count on myself for entertainment.
My quest for connection will continue in 2026. So here’s to the friends I have, the friends I’ve lost, and the ones yet to be discovered.
And if all else fails, at least I’ll have my cozy cardigan. Cheers to that!
Post 2 of #100DaysToOffload
Joyce Stack
Hove, Brighton United Kingdom
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